Branislav Ivanovic has now BECOME Luis Suarez

The city of London has been thrown into turmoil after Chelsea football club arrived for training this morning to find Luis Suarez wearing their strip. However, the ‘Chelsea Suarez’ insisted that he was not in fact a diving racist, but instead the same old Branislav Ivanovic they’d always known and played alongside.

It didn’t take long for DNA testing to prove that he was telling the truth. It seems that the original Liverpool striker’s bite is somehow infectious and produces a chemical which turns anyone bitten by him into exact copies of himself.

Upon learning that Luis Suarez’s bite was toxic, the Government was quick to assemble the ‘COBRA’ committee – David Cameron has already insisted that his cabinet watch both 28 Days Later and Night of the Living Dead in preparation for the inevitable hordes of rampant Suarezs tearing up the capital, biting passers by and turning them into more and more fleash-eating vertically-challenged, pseudo-scouse foreigners.

Upon the news of the outbreak reaching the blue half of Merseyside, Everton supporters instantly agreed with the Government’s ‘zombie-themed’ conclusion and kindly offered to shoot anyone in the head who looked like Luis Suarez, thus destroying what little brains the average premier league footballer has anyway.

As yet, the Government has not sanctioned the use of firearms for dealing with bogus penalty claims. They are still pointing to ‘goal-line technology’ and the use of red cards to combat the spread of Suarez.


Mandy used to be a playful four-year-old from Stevenage

Food stamps now offered as ‘prize’ on BGT

Having upped the prize money from £100,000 to £500,000 on Britain’s Got Talent, Simon Cowell has decided to drop it back down to a more affordable level and one that will actually benefit the winner this time.

Receiving £500,000 for winning a ‘talent’ contest may sound appealing. However, after the media mogul has taken his cut and Vince Cable has suitably put them down, the ‘winner’ is actually only left with the clothes on his/her back and a vague sense that something is as missing in their life today as it was before they entered the show.

Food stamps have become a popular choice to replace cash as it is a commodity that is not (yet) being taxed heavily by the government and because Proles actually need to eat to live.

Alternatively, if the ‘winning’ act is not human, for example, if last year’s ‘winner’ Pudsey the dog’s cousin decides that she wants a piece of the action, then the food stamps will also be able to be exchanged for dog biscuits.

When asked whether the ‘winning’ contestant would approve of the changes in the prize system, Simon Cowell was quoted as saying, “Who? Sorry, I know they haven’t even won yet, but I’ve forgotten them already.”


It's all I've ever wanted

Robert Downey Jr leads the tributes

As Britain says goodbye to one of its most controversial leaders, tributes have been pouring in from around the world. None more so than Hollywood legend, Robert Downey Jr, who is reportedly beside himself that Margaret Thatcher will not be available to star in the upcoming ‘Iron Man 4’ blockbuster.

After critics pointed out that Sir Ben Kingsley is not ‘fearsome enough’ to be a super villain, film-producers felt the match up of ‘The Iron Man vs The Iron Lady’ would be a spectacle that would rival even the end battle scenes from The Avengers.


It could have been so great

Sadly, with the death of Mrs Thatcher, it looks like that will never happen now. Producers could well use Meryl Streep as a stand-in, but chances are she’s too expensive. One other possibility for a new nemesis to Iron Man would be Ken Livingstone, however the villain ‘Toad’ has already been used in the first ‘X-Men’ film, so Ken may have to stick to public appearances on daytime television and the sewers instead.


Scary, but in a different way

How will BMW top this?

Long have the German car giants, BMW, been the choice of the alpha-arsehole. A recent study in Britain proved that the car badge drivers were most used to seeing in their rear view mirror (as the car behind tries to ram their bumper at 70mph along the motorway) is – you guessed it – one of those little blue and white circles, cut into quarters. Hello Mr BMW.

However, in recent years, Audi have been cutting into BMW’s apparent stranglehold of fast cars which are owned by drivers who don’t give a s**t about other road-users. Now, Audi have thrown down the gauntlet to BMW by proving how much they don’t care about other people by going as far as to actually park IN someone’s house (see below picture).



This can only leave the rest of us to wonder HOW exactly BMW will respond to this. Early indications reveal that soon we will see BMWs trying to park in your bedroom wardrobe, old ladies’ handbags and even birthing units at maternity hospitals (possibly then using your wife’s uterus as a carwash).

Be warned: BMWs will soon be everywhere in a blatant attempt to trump Audi’s insolence. I would write more, but a BMW has just driven into my office and is about to park one wheel on my keyboard, before the driver spits in my face, claiming it’s my fault.