Star Wars to save on special effects for the new trilogy

Having listened to audience criticism regarding the Star Wars prequels, namely them being a little too ‘special effects heavy’ (and that Jar Jar Binks needed an anvil to fall on top of him, pronto), studio chiefs at Disney have decided to find a naturally-occurring location that will double as a barren and hostile alien planet.

Therefore, much of the filming for the upcoming trilogy will be shot in Scotland. Since the country has already been used to portray (with great ease) (a) a heroin-riddled community in ‘Trainspotting’ (b) a distopic wasteland ravaged with zombies in ‘World War Z’ and (c) a society of cannibals in ‘Doomsday,’ film-makers thought it would be the ideal place to set a dark and menacing alien colony, filled with war-mongering mutant psychopaths.

Scotland has reacted favourably to the news. One Glaswegian resident, who was unable to recall his own name, was quoted as saying, “Rich American film-stars are just what we need here. The average local is barely worth mugging any more.”


You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Guardian readers have simply given up on YOU

With yesterday’s glowing result for UKIP, sensible, peace-loving liberals all over Britain have officially given up on trying to save the likes of all you who voted for Nigel Farage’s ‘raving loonie party.’

Nearly all fifty Guardian readers have woken up this morning to a bleak country where, despite them reading a publication which promises that just because you read it, it makes you really nice, they’ve come to the realisation that everyone who doesn’t share their views is really a horrible, despicable racist and therefore not worth the effort of trying to save.

Even though a rare pact was formed between the Guardian and the traditional ‘nasty party’ (aka The Evil, Posh, Rich, Poor- exploiting, Foreigner-hating Conservatives), both of which used all the power afforded to them to brand UKIP the REAL Evil, Posh, Rich, Poor- exploiting, Foreigner-hating Party, it didn’t seem to work.

Guardian reader, Phillipa Resoettra, was quoted as saying, ‘I used to believe that people were inherently decent at heart and only voted Conservative because they were confused and hadn’t heard how the Tories were responsible for everything bad. Now I realise that they meant it, even though they didn’t vote Tory and chose ‘Tory Max’ instead. Perhaps I need to drive around in my hybrid until people truly understand that I’m right and they’re not.’

The Guardian’s dozen or so readers formed an emergency meeting in a family-run, eco-friendly coffee shop this morning (one that pays its staff 50p more than the minimum wage). There, they discussed if anything could be done to reverse the trend and make people think like them. Sadly, nothing appeared forthcoming and they finally came to the conclusion that posting photoshopped pictures on Facebook, informing fellow Guardian readers not to eat tuna because it might hurt a tree, was no longer enough.

Asked to comment on the meeting’s outcome, Guardian reader, Shaun O’Donnell, was quoted as saying, ‘If this was Star Wars then Britain has definitely gone to the Dark Side. Nigel Farage might as well be the Emperor. I’ll bet he has a purple and yellow light sabre in his breast pocket.’

The remaining Guardian readers in Britain were last seen renting a solar-powered boat and plotting a course for a less fascist country. Their apparent destination: Saudi Arabia.


'And your friends on the Liberal moon of Endor will not survive.'

Miami to close due to lack of people

Last week, American TV network ‘Showtime’ announced it was to close the city of Miami, thus ending the lucrative run of popular drama series, ‘Dexter.’

The decision to close the city was forced upon the show’s producers, due to the fact that the title character, Dexter Morgan, had finally killed every single living person in the city, apart from his sister, Debra, and one, very confused, police officer. After eight excellent series, the writers felt it would just be too hard for viewers to accept that the said lawman, is still at a loss as to who is going around the city, wilfully murdering everyone he comes into contact with.

However, there is still a chance the show will simply move to another city, where charismatic serial killer, Dexter, will just start all over again, before moving from city to city until there’s no one left in America.

If it took him eight seasons to work his way through Miami, therefore producers estimate that the show could run for several more decades before global populations start to fall low enough to make show unrealistic.


Who'd have thought?