Addicted to Friends

I think it was Robert Palmer who sang something about being ‘addicted to love’. Translated into today’s society that could be interpreted as being hooked on the desire to prove you have friends. Never mind heroine, alcohol or even fags – I have found I can’t get enough to adding people as friends to my Facebook account.

I don’t think I’ve denied a request yet – more fool me. It’s bad enough that every day I have to scroll through, ‘Mafia Wars, Virtual Farm’ and ‘Which Twilight Character Are You.’ I also feel the need to scrutinise people’s updates who I’ve only met once at a party (and probably hated back then too).

I know, I could just ‘hide’ the offending people, but it’s like a car crash – I can’t bring myself not to know. One girl – who shall remain nameless – is taking up my entire freakin' newsfeed with gibberish. This woman has 'multiple personality disorder' written all over her. She is like the Borg from Star Trek. She appears to have collectively assimilated everyone in the world's personality and writes one status update per persona.

Tomorrow I’m going to church. Why? To pray for the strength to ‘hide’ souless tripe she spews. Sadly, I know I won’t. For I have helplessly trapped myself into an unquenchable thirst for seeing what vital snippet of information concerning her hourly mood swings she will bestow on me next.

God help us if she ever gets on Twitter.

I will stop writing now. I must go and refresh my Facebook home page.

Lies and Adverts

I read my toothpaste the other day. Possibly a sign in itself of the level of excitement in my life. It said, ‘40% Fresher Breath’. Why do we accept such lies at face value? Okay, if the makers of ‘Theramed 2in1’ ever get round to reading this (or their lawyers), I’m not doubting their integrity for a moment. I’m simply asking for some sort of evidence to support how they measure the smell of people’s breath and, if they do, how can they tell whether it’s 40% fresher now?

Facebook to solve all the world's problems

What is the worst thing someone has ever said to you? Did it reduce you to tears? Did it make you want to mow down people with a machine gun? Did you have to get drunk to drown out the pain? Or did you just frown at your computer screen and try and pinpoint exactly why the person you used to be best mates with at school has denied your Facebook friend request?

I have two school friends whose requests are currently ‘pending.’ I check back every day in case they’ve accepted. I’ve given up on the other two. I was good friends with these guys. They even both came on my stag weekend to Amsterdam. I’ve added one of them twice and he rejected me both times. I know he has because I see him write on mutual friends’ walls. Scum.

I sometimes wonder whether International Politics should be conducted through Facebook. There’s a big thing going on about dubious regimes throughout the world getting their hands on nuclear weapons. The UN are doing the usual things. They send ambassadors, impose sanctions, threaten war and all the rest of it. Why doesn’t the US and the UK get together and systematically delete every Iranian and South Korean’s profile from their Facebook account? Surely that would bring even the most hard-line regime to its knees?