Today has officially been reclassified as ‘Bad News Day.’ This is the one and only time of the year where anyone can do or say anything bad to anyone and not get in trouble.
The reason?
Because Ricky Gervais is launching his new sitcom ‘Derek’ tonight on Channel 4 at 10 pm.
This means that everyone will be so preoccupied with trying to work out who he has offended, that nothing else will make the news. Clairvoyants who have obviously not seen the show, but know its entire content anyway, have already stated that ‘Derek’ is more shocking than Jeremy Clarkson starring in a porno movie with a harem of gun-totting civil servants.
Also, Twitter users and newspaper columnists have already started work on templates which go along the lines of: ‘I have never been so disgusted to see Gervais making fun of [INSERT HELPLESS MINORITY HERE] that I nearly choked on my Horlicks,’
MI5 suspects that today will be the day that terrorists will launch campaigns against civilians while we’re all debating how derogatory Gervais’ slicked-forward haircut is. Meanwhile, the coalition Government have already pencilled in the idea of releasing such policies as ‘Tax one kidney from everyone earning less than £50k a year,’ ‘Compulsory sterilisation for X-Factor viewers,’ ‘Nuclear warheads to be used on anyone who interrupts a boat race’ and, of course, ‘Richard Littlejohn for Minister of Justice.’
I am now off to tell my seven-year-old daughter that there’s no such thing as Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny or Cheryl Cole. She won’t care. She’s already too busy updating her Facebook status regarding Gervais’ poor choice in jackets during the pilot of Derek.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Government changes to the prison system
In a leaked memo, it has been proposed that by 2018, UK prisons will no longer hold anyone who hasn’t been charged with offending someone on Twitter. By then murderers, rapists and muggers will only be punished by having their bedtimes dramatically reduced according to the severity of their crimes – in worst case scenarios, serial killers may not even be allowed to stay up and watch Eggheads.
However, by contrast, if you have been found guilty of sending 140 characters of hate to anyone who has appeared on television (or kicked a sphere around Upton Park) then you risk spending between eight to fifteen years being taken roughly from behind by a fellow Tweeter calling himself ‘The Black Stallion’ every time you set foot in the showers.
Future inmates can tweet their disgust at such changes to #sevenyearsofsodomyhell, thus ensuring the warders (all registered Facebook users who never offend anyone due to being too busy posting their current high scores on Angry Birds to the hundred or so people they went to primary school with) will know which ones to group together in the new ‘Stephen Fry Wing.’
Current inmates of Her Majesty’s prisons have acted favourably to the news. Phil ‘The Hatchet’ McNulty was quoted as saying, “I may have carved up a few old dears in my time, but I draw the line at upsetting Louis Walsh over the Internet. It’s about time someone did something to protect our celebrities’ feelings.”
The Government has also pointed out that the defence, “My Twitter account was hacked,” will not stand up in a court of law.
However, by contrast, if you have been found guilty of sending 140 characters of hate to anyone who has appeared on television (or kicked a sphere around Upton Park) then you risk spending between eight to fifteen years being taken roughly from behind by a fellow Tweeter calling himself ‘The Black Stallion’ every time you set foot in the showers.
Future inmates can tweet their disgust at such changes to #sevenyearsofsodomyhell, thus ensuring the warders (all registered Facebook users who never offend anyone due to being too busy posting their current high scores on Angry Birds to the hundred or so people they went to primary school with) will know which ones to group together in the new ‘Stephen Fry Wing.’
Current inmates of Her Majesty’s prisons have acted favourably to the news. Phil ‘The Hatchet’ McNulty was quoted as saying, “I may have carved up a few old dears in my time, but I draw the line at upsetting Louis Walsh over the Internet. It’s about time someone did something to protect our celebrities’ feelings.”
The Government has also pointed out that the defence, “My Twitter account was hacked,” will not stand up in a court of law.
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