City of God

I’ve just watched it. Now, should I recommend it? I loved it, but those three words normally mean that absolutely no one I know, or will ever know, is likely to agree with me.

• If you’re contemplating watching it, here are some reasons why you probably will NOT agree with my conclusion that it was actually pretty damn good…
• There is not a single gay cowboy contained in the entire two hours
• It has subtitles and – shock horror – they’re not in English!
• Lil Ze wasn't evil enough – they should have had the Joker take his part
• The gangsters were terrible shots, they should have had army training
  There are absolutely no visible signs of product placement in it. If you dare to watch it, you may not feel the urge to purchase a single low carb snack from a popular high street retailer within thirty seconds of the credits rolling
• There are no action figures or video games about it. Once you turn it off, that is it – you cannot relive the experience with a Wii
• There are no A-list Hollywood actors shaving their heads and playing a semi retarded character in the hope of snatching an Academy Award
• It should be pointed out before you watch it that God is not in this movie at all (no, not even a cameo) therefore the title is severely misleading and you may be tempted to sue
• There are no CGI monsters
• The trailer should tip you off that you will hate this film as it does not contain the minimum three exploding helicopters and/or slow motion dive shooting
• And, finally, there's no cash-in sequel, people aren't wearing enough hats and the dogs are too skinny to be believable

You have been warned

How to PROPERLY watch a movie in the cinema

While much of today’s cinema can hardly be described as astoundingly groundbreaking or intellectual entertainment, it still puzzles me how, when in a cinema, some people still find it hard to ‘lose themselves’ while watching some good old-fashioned ‘popcorn’ flicks. It seems to be a skill that, surprisingly, MOST moviegoers do not have. Here are some ground rules that needs to be observed:

RULE 1: You only have ONE (1) chance to FULLY experience everything a movie has to offer. After that, you'll no longer be surprised, thrilled, astounded, dumbfounded, aghast with mystery or excitement about it since you've already seen it. Henceforth, your brain already has vague recollections of it. In the name of all that is holy, DO NOT RUIN THAT ONE CHANCE.

RULE 2: If someone scolds or chides you, simply offer your apology and DO NOT REACT AGGRESSIVELY. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. In all my years of watching movies, some people unbelievably still have the nerve to be angry after being told to stop talking with their phones.

RULE 3: Turn off your mobile phone. Otherwise, put it on silent mode. We don't care about your fancy ring tone or your Mummy calling you because you snuck out

RULE 4: While I have nothing against babies, please do not bring them to the cinema. There's nothing more annoying than a baby crying right in the middle of a fight scene or a serial killer chase.

RULE 5: Again, I have nothing against autistic and special children. But for the love of God, please, please, please, do us all a favour and DO NOT bring them to the cinema, IF they have aggressive or wild tendencies. NOTE: I know it may seem mean, or otherwise, inhuman of me to deny babies and special children the privilege of watching movies. If so, I'm humbly sorry. But that's just the way it should be.

RULE 6: STOP TALKING. In fact, DON'T TALK, at all, unless someone's dying. If you have to talk, try doing so with the least amount of disturbance.

RULE 7: DO NOT EXPLAIN or even DISCUSS THE MOVIE D-U-R-I-N-G the movie. Because, people usually do that during drinking sessions, sleepovers, after sex, picnics or over the internet. I don't care if you already knew who the killer was or that Optimus Prime is your favourite character. You can tell me everything AFTER THE MOVIE.

RULE 8: If you're going to read a text message, or otherwise, check the time through your phone, PLEASE DO SO WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF DISTURBANCE. DO NOT RAISE YOUR PHONE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. I don't care if your other half sent you hugs and kisses or if your Dad just told you he'd just recently deposited your yearly allowance. Imagine a scene where our heroine goes into a dark room - hence, making the entire cinema dark - AND THEN A BRIGHTLY-LIT CELLPHONE FLASHES RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!

RULE 9: DO NOT exaggerate your laughter. Please. Do this, only if you're watching one of the "[Blank] Movie" Franchises (i.e. Date Movie, Superhero Movie) or the "Rip-Offs" Franchises (i.e. Meet the Spartans)

RULE 10: DO NOT PREEMPT THE MOVIE. If you know what the character is going to say, don't yell it out loud or even say it! I don't care if you're trying to look cool in front of your date. If she knows better, she'd dump you right then and there.

RULE 11: If you're going to answer a call, PLEASE GO OUT. It's not like you can't come back in, correct? It's that simple!

RULE 12: If you're watching a movie with friends, please try to minimize the noise. I know what it's like to hang out with a lot of teenagers (because I used to be one). DO NOT TRY TO GRAB PEOPLE'S ATTENTION. SERIOUSLY, IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL.

RULE 13: If you're too stubborn, or too "cool", to even follow these rules, then at least try going to the cinema when there are the least number of possible audience members. Better yet, stick to DVDs and Blu-Rays. Do us all a favour, please.

RULE 14: TO PARENTS - SHUT YOUR KID UP. Don't make others do it.

RULE 15: You are at the cinema to watch a film. If you prefer to play football or rugby then please find a local amenity where you can do just that, i.e. stop kicking the back of my seat like it’s a ball on the penalty spot!