In a leaked memo, it has been proposed that by 2018, UK prisons will no longer hold anyone who hasn’t been charged with offending someone on Twitter. By then murderers, rapists and muggers will only be punished by having their bedtimes dramatically reduced according to the severity of their crimes – in worst case scenarios, serial killers may not even be allowed to stay up and watch Eggheads.
However, by contrast, if you have been found guilty of sending 140 characters of hate to anyone who has appeared on television (or kicked a sphere around Upton Park) then you risk spending between eight to fifteen years being taken roughly from behind by a fellow Tweeter calling himself ‘The Black Stallion’ every time you set foot in the showers.
Future inmates can tweet their disgust at such changes to #sevenyearsofsodomyhell, thus ensuring the warders (all registered Facebook users who never offend anyone due to being too busy posting their current high scores on Angry Birds to the hundred or so people they went to primary school with) will know which ones to group together in the new ‘Stephen Fry Wing.’
Current inmates of Her Majesty’s prisons have acted favourably to the news. Phil ‘The Hatchet’ McNulty was quoted as saying, “I may have carved up a few old dears in my time, but I draw the line at upsetting Louis Walsh over the Internet. It’s about time someone did something to protect our celebrities’ feelings.”
The Government has also pointed out that the defence, “My Twitter account was hacked,” will not stand up in a court of law.
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