Sympathy for the Devil (Facebook)

I keep reading scary reports of people, well, scaring other people on Facebook. Therefore clever, well-meaning people are calling for a ‘Panic’ button to be installed in case a user feels threatened or intimidated while on the site (a good idea in my opinion, even though every time I see it I will be compelled to sing ‘Panic on the streets of Facebook’).

I just thought, while they’re at it, why not install a ‘Sympathy’ button at the same time?

I see so many friends’ statuses reading things like, ‘It’s all going wrong!!!’ (note the multiple exclamation marks for added sorrow). They don’t say what’s wrong, just that their life happens to suck today and they thought they’d share it with you and the hundred or so other people they’ve randomly added in their life.

If you check back on their status in a couple of hours you will always see their more well-meaning friends commenting things like, ‘Aw, what’s wrong, babe?’ or, ‘Don’t let it get you down, mate!’

Basically, the original poster just wanted sympathy. Fair enough. We all need a shoulder to cry on every now and again, or, even better, a hug. But why not be a little more honest about it?

With my proposed ‘Sympathy button’ all you have to do it press it and it will alert all three hundred of your friends that you need sympathy. Then, instead of commenting on your post/button press, there can be a second button marked, ‘Give Sympathy’ for your mates to press. And, hey presto, instant sympathy!

Oh, and by the way, I’m feeling a little bit down today – so if anyone reading this wants to send me all sorts of positive thoughts to my Facebook page, I’d be more than grateful, i.e. I might press ‘Like’ for your comments.

The most conscientious and dedicated serial killer EVER

Has anyone else seen ‘The Collector?’ It’s a scary movie with the tagline, ‘He always takes one.’

If ever there was a time when you should root for the psychotic maniac, it was now. The guy’s amazing! Okay, so he’s a cold-hearted, evil, sadistic maniac, but holy-hellfire is he good as his job. He spends hours wandering round your house, turning every room into a Tom and Jerry-style trap-fest. Nothing is too much trouble for this guy. He uses string and hooks and knives and springs and more hooks. Wow! He can do it in mere minutes too and in complete silence. The family never sees, hears or has any clue about this nutter until it’s too late and they’re running around into every last one of his fiendish creations. Plus his traps have the added advantage of completely messing with the household’s collective minds. After they luckily escape from the first trap, they just run straight into another one – never once thinking, ‘Hey, maybe we should just like – you know – leave the house, or perhaps call those people who are paid to protect us… no their name escapes me – they just drive around in squad cars with guns and stop burglars, rapists and of course deranged, homicidal serial killers – but, no, we won’t call them… ooh, look at that, another trap – let’s jump right into it!’

I’m being flippant now. Seriously, we need more people like The Collector. No, I’m not saying we need people running around killing families for fun, but this guy definitely has a place in society. Think about it. With his speed and workmanship, he should be able to put together ANY flatpacked shelving unit bought from Ikea.

Need a spice rack? Call The Collector!