Today has officially been reclassified as ‘Bad News Day.’ This is the one and only time of the year where anyone can do or say anything bad to anyone and not get in trouble.
The reason?
Because Ricky Gervais is launching his new sitcom ‘Derek’ tonight on Channel 4 at 10 pm.
This means that everyone will be so preoccupied with trying to work out who he has offended, that nothing else will make the news. Clairvoyants who have obviously not seen the show, but know its entire content anyway, have already stated that ‘Derek’ is more shocking than Jeremy Clarkson starring in a porno movie with a harem of gun-totting civil servants.
Also, Twitter users and newspaper columnists have already started work on templates which go along the lines of: ‘I have never been so disgusted to see Gervais making fun of [INSERT HELPLESS MINORITY HERE] that I nearly choked on my Horlicks,’
MI5 suspects that today will be the day that terrorists will launch campaigns against civilians while we’re all debating how derogatory Gervais’ slicked-forward haircut is. Meanwhile, the coalition Government have already pencilled in the idea of releasing such policies as ‘Tax one kidney from everyone earning less than £50k a year,’ ‘Compulsory sterilisation for X-Factor viewers,’ ‘Nuclear warheads to be used on anyone who interrupts a boat race’ and, of course, ‘Richard Littlejohn for Minister of Justice.’
I am now off to tell my seven-year-old daughter that there’s no such thing as Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny or Cheryl Cole. She won’t care. She’s already too busy updating her Facebook status regarding Gervais’ poor choice in jackets during the pilot of Derek.
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