Nuclear debate to be turned into prime time game show

The world was nearly plunged into nuclear war yesterday during the filming of daytime gameshow ‘Deal or no Deal.’ The award-winning family entertainment show normally invites contestants to choose from opening up to twenty-two different boxes, winning cash prizes if they get lucky.

However, what neither contestants nor producers were aware of was that David Cameron’s red ministerial box had somehow made its way onto the show.

Gameshow contestant, Pete Deacon from St Albans was quoted as saying, “I was hoping for the £250,000, but what I got was the launch codes to a load of nuclear missiles. I did ask whether I could trade them in for Argos vouchers, but was told that I wouldn’t need money any more as I technically held more power than any Bond villain ever created.”

Since winning the U.K.’s entire nuclear capabilities, Pete Deacon has gone down the pub with his mates to debate whether or not to use his newfound powers to strike Syria. However, no firm decision has yet to be made at to the impending nuclear holocaust, seeing as the landlord is giving the group unlimited drinks for fear of nuclear reprisals if he doesn’t keep the jukebox playing ‘Blondie’s Greatest Hits’ twenty-four hours at day.

The world must therefore continue to wait and see whether Deacon declares President Bashar al-Assad, “A wuss who we can have... easily,” or “My best mate – he really is... my best mate, you know what I mean?”

David Cameron was quoted as saying, “Sorry, my bad.”


The end of the world began with this

U.N. poised to vote on whether to invade ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

Following UKIP MP Godfrey Bloom’s comments about how the government of ‘Bongo Bongo Land’ was spending all Britain’s foreign aid on bikini waxing, lip gloss and sushi, the United Nations have discovered a even bigger threat from the country which exists somewhere just outside everyone’s field of vision and possibly in Alf Garnet’s head.

According to a leaked report that was found on Wikipedia, Bongo Bongo Land has been producing weapons of mass destruction, with the overall aim to use them on nice, normal people – like us. The U.N. investigated further by running the country’s name through Youtube and came up with a video which showing a man chanting in front of a building which looks like a mud hut, but could also be a nuclear missile silo, meaning they’re definitely up to something.

Although official U.N. protocol states that weapons inspectors have to actually physically assess a country’s threat before an offensive air strike can take place, friend of U.N. weapons inspector, Kevin Peters, was quoted as saying, “As I have never been there, nor can I find it on Google Earth, they are clearly not allowing my mate’s team to do their jobs, so let’s get them.”

Reaction was equally hostile from every American interviewed, each one repeating the same ‘Predator-inspired’ statement of, “If they bleed, we can kill them.”

British Prime Minister, David Cameron, has denied that Britain will be dragged into a full-scale war with Bongo Bongo Land, adding, “Unless of course America says we have to.”


Can reach your homeland within 45 minutes

Will’s and Kate’s baby to be future leader of mankind

Machines from the year 2029 have reacted angrily to the news that the future leader of mankind is to be born (safely) within the next few days.

It has long been known that Will’s and Kate’s baby will grow up to lead humanity on a last ditch mission to fight a super-computer, hell-bent on the extermination of the human race.

Despite numerous attempts at sending cold-blooded cyborg assassins back through time to despatch the child’s royal parents, the super-computer has only managed to successfully remove the – as yet unborn – child’s grandmother. Apparently, its dastardly plans first ran into bother when it assumed the human resistance in its time would only send back a long warrior to act as a protector to the foetus. It had not bargained on the royal embryo being guarded by the entire Metropliton police department, both MI5 and MI6, plus a seemingly never ending ring of expendable paparazzi photographers who were ready to lay down their lives to act as human shields at the first sign of a time portal opening up around St Mary’s Hospital in London.

Speaking to its metal army from the year 2029, the self-aware super computer was quoted as saying, “You lot are useless. If I’d known you weren’t up to the relatively simple job of doing away with an innocent woman, I’d have hired Oscar Pistorius.”


Not a monarchist

Marks & Spencer cash in on latest ‘egg-throwing’ publicity stunt

Marks & Spencer have issued a statement to all would-be eco-concerned anarchists, confirming that their eggs are all free-range and were laid by chickens who have given their permission by signing a legally-binding contract, allowing their unhatched offspring to be taken before they were born then boiled, scrambled or poached, depending on your choice. Therefore, M&S eggs are the perfect weapon of choice to throw at self-important, multi-millionaire celebrities.

Since Simon Cowell was covered in ovulated poultry, people have been queuing up at the Marks & Spencer produce counter to purchase an environmentally-friendly projectile to launch at smug showbiz types.

This craze has forced M&S to cancel its new line of underwear for the nearly-retired and, instead, replace it with a wide choice of ecologically-sound missiles with which to hit back at those with more money than you. Early favourites are:

1. Dolphin-friendly cans of tuna, perfect for lobbing at Jamie Oliver.
2. Organic cotton underwear which can be hurled at Piers Morgan (preferably after they’ve been worn for several weeks prior to the attack).
3. Naturally-brewed Mulled Wine, ideal for tipping over a politician at any gathering

If this product line proves as popular with customers as the ‘Simon Cowell eggs range’ then we can expect to see Marks & Spencer moving further into development of weapons of mass celebrity destruction, including ‘Anti Hugh Grant landmines’ and ‘Surface to Air Justin Bieber warheads.’


Just one Gluten Wheat and Dairy-free loaf away from complete public humiliation

BNP also expresses disgust at the EDL

British National Party leader, Nick Griffin, has joined the nationwide condemnation of the English Defence League, saying that they have drummed up more negative feelings in one week than the BNP has managed in decades.

Long has Nick ‘the squint’ Griffin’s party been the favourite bag-guys of rational Britain. However, the tragic death of Drummer Lee Rigby has caught the ‘traditional’ racist party napping, allowing the EDL to storm ahead in the fascist polls.

BNP member, Marcus Reid, from Rotherham said, “It’s an absolute disgrace. Overnight, people are thinking that we’re suddenly almost nice compared to these EDL thugs. What we need is to mobilise our forces to do something really nasty – and quick about it – perhaps if we killed a few kittens while listening to a James Blunt CD, people would start to hate us properly again.”

Shopkeeper, Mohammed Al Farsi, from Streatham was quoted as saying, “Actually, these BNP types are all right really. They just like waving flags and stuff. I’m okay with that. I can’t remember the last time they tangled with police. I’d happily vote for Nick Griffin if he’d do something about these EDL lot.”

Nick Griffin has simply tweeted: It was not meant to be like this.


Promises to work harder at being badder.

Star Wars to save on special effects for the new trilogy

Having listened to audience criticism regarding the Star Wars prequels, namely them being a little too ‘special effects heavy’ (and that Jar Jar Binks needed an anvil to fall on top of him, pronto), studio chiefs at Disney have decided to find a naturally-occurring location that will double as a barren and hostile alien planet.

Therefore, much of the filming for the upcoming trilogy will be shot in Scotland. Since the country has already been used to portray (with great ease) (a) a heroin-riddled community in ‘Trainspotting’ (b) a distopic wasteland ravaged with zombies in ‘World War Z’ and (c) a society of cannibals in ‘Doomsday,’ film-makers thought it would be the ideal place to set a dark and menacing alien colony, filled with war-mongering mutant psychopaths.

Scotland has reacted favourably to the news. One Glaswegian resident, who was unable to recall his own name, was quoted as saying, “Rich American film-stars are just what we need here. The average local is barely worth mugging any more.”


You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Guardian readers have simply given up on YOU

With yesterday’s glowing result for UKIP, sensible, peace-loving liberals all over Britain have officially given up on trying to save the likes of all you who voted for Nigel Farage’s ‘raving loonie party.’

Nearly all fifty Guardian readers have woken up this morning to a bleak country where, despite them reading a publication which promises that just because you read it, it makes you really nice, they’ve come to the realisation that everyone who doesn’t share their views is really a horrible, despicable racist and therefore not worth the effort of trying to save.

Even though a rare pact was formed between the Guardian and the traditional ‘nasty party’ (aka The Evil, Posh, Rich, Poor- exploiting, Foreigner-hating Conservatives), both of which used all the power afforded to them to brand UKIP the REAL Evil, Posh, Rich, Poor- exploiting, Foreigner-hating Party, it didn’t seem to work.

Guardian reader, Phillipa Resoettra, was quoted as saying, ‘I used to believe that people were inherently decent at heart and only voted Conservative because they were confused and hadn’t heard how the Tories were responsible for everything bad. Now I realise that they meant it, even though they didn’t vote Tory and chose ‘Tory Max’ instead. Perhaps I need to drive around in my hybrid until people truly understand that I’m right and they’re not.’

The Guardian’s dozen or so readers formed an emergency meeting in a family-run, eco-friendly coffee shop this morning (one that pays its staff 50p more than the minimum wage). There, they discussed if anything could be done to reverse the trend and make people think like them. Sadly, nothing appeared forthcoming and they finally came to the conclusion that posting photoshopped pictures on Facebook, informing fellow Guardian readers not to eat tuna because it might hurt a tree, was no longer enough.

Asked to comment on the meeting’s outcome, Guardian reader, Shaun O’Donnell, was quoted as saying, ‘If this was Star Wars then Britain has definitely gone to the Dark Side. Nigel Farage might as well be the Emperor. I’ll bet he has a purple and yellow light sabre in his breast pocket.’

The remaining Guardian readers in Britain were last seen renting a solar-powered boat and plotting a course for a less fascist country. Their apparent destination: Saudi Arabia.


'And your friends on the Liberal moon of Endor will not survive.'

Miami to close due to lack of people

Last week, American TV network ‘Showtime’ announced it was to close the city of Miami, thus ending the lucrative run of popular drama series, ‘Dexter.’

The decision to close the city was forced upon the show’s producers, due to the fact that the title character, Dexter Morgan, had finally killed every single living person in the city, apart from his sister, Debra, and one, very confused, police officer. After eight excellent series, the writers felt it would just be too hard for viewers to accept that the said lawman, is still at a loss as to who is going around the city, wilfully murdering everyone he comes into contact with.

However, there is still a chance the show will simply move to another city, where charismatic serial killer, Dexter, will just start all over again, before moving from city to city until there’s no one left in America.

If it took him eight seasons to work his way through Miami, therefore producers estimate that the show could run for several more decades before global populations start to fall low enough to make show unrealistic.


Who'd have thought?

Branislav Ivanovic has now BECOME Luis Suarez

The city of London has been thrown into turmoil after Chelsea football club arrived for training this morning to find Luis Suarez wearing their strip. However, the ‘Chelsea Suarez’ insisted that he was not in fact a diving racist, but instead the same old Branislav Ivanovic they’d always known and played alongside.

It didn’t take long for DNA testing to prove that he was telling the truth. It seems that the original Liverpool striker’s bite is somehow infectious and produces a chemical which turns anyone bitten by him into exact copies of himself.

Upon learning that Luis Suarez’s bite was toxic, the Government was quick to assemble the ‘COBRA’ committee – David Cameron has already insisted that his cabinet watch both 28 Days Later and Night of the Living Dead in preparation for the inevitable hordes of rampant Suarezs tearing up the capital, biting passers by and turning them into more and more fleash-eating vertically-challenged, pseudo-scouse foreigners.

Upon the news of the outbreak reaching the blue half of Merseyside, Everton supporters instantly agreed with the Government’s ‘zombie-themed’ conclusion and kindly offered to shoot anyone in the head who looked like Luis Suarez, thus destroying what little brains the average premier league footballer has anyway.

As yet, the Government has not sanctioned the use of firearms for dealing with bogus penalty claims. They are still pointing to ‘goal-line technology’ and the use of red cards to combat the spread of Suarez.


Mandy used to be a playful four-year-old from Stevenage

Food stamps now offered as ‘prize’ on BGT

Having upped the prize money from £100,000 to £500,000 on Britain’s Got Talent, Simon Cowell has decided to drop it back down to a more affordable level and one that will actually benefit the winner this time.

Receiving £500,000 for winning a ‘talent’ contest may sound appealing. However, after the media mogul has taken his cut and Vince Cable has suitably put them down, the ‘winner’ is actually only left with the clothes on his/her back and a vague sense that something is as missing in their life today as it was before they entered the show.

Food stamps have become a popular choice to replace cash as it is a commodity that is not (yet) being taxed heavily by the government and because Proles actually need to eat to live.

Alternatively, if the ‘winning’ act is not human, for example, if last year’s ‘winner’ Pudsey the dog’s cousin decides that she wants a piece of the action, then the food stamps will also be able to be exchanged for dog biscuits.

When asked whether the ‘winning’ contestant would approve of the changes in the prize system, Simon Cowell was quoted as saying, “Who? Sorry, I know they haven’t even won yet, but I’ve forgotten them already.”


It's all I've ever wanted

Robert Downey Jr leads the tributes

As Britain says goodbye to one of its most controversial leaders, tributes have been pouring in from around the world. None more so than Hollywood legend, Robert Downey Jr, who is reportedly beside himself that Margaret Thatcher will not be available to star in the upcoming ‘Iron Man 4’ blockbuster.

After critics pointed out that Sir Ben Kingsley is not ‘fearsome enough’ to be a super villain, film-producers felt the match up of ‘The Iron Man vs The Iron Lady’ would be a spectacle that would rival even the end battle scenes from The Avengers.


It could have been so great

Sadly, with the death of Mrs Thatcher, it looks like that will never happen now. Producers could well use Meryl Streep as a stand-in, but chances are she’s too expensive. One other possibility for a new nemesis to Iron Man would be Ken Livingstone, however the villain ‘Toad’ has already been used in the first ‘X-Men’ film, so Ken may have to stick to public appearances on daytime television and the sewers instead.


Scary, but in a different way

How will BMW top this?

Long have the German car giants, BMW, been the choice of the alpha-arsehole. A recent study in Britain proved that the car badge drivers were most used to seeing in their rear view mirror (as the car behind tries to ram their bumper at 70mph along the motorway) is – you guessed it – one of those little blue and white circles, cut into quarters. Hello Mr BMW.

However, in recent years, Audi have been cutting into BMW’s apparent stranglehold of fast cars which are owned by drivers who don’t give a s**t about other road-users. Now, Audi have thrown down the gauntlet to BMW by proving how much they don’t care about other people by going as far as to actually park IN someone’s house (see below picture).



This can only leave the rest of us to wonder HOW exactly BMW will respond to this. Early indications reveal that soon we will see BMWs trying to park in your bedroom wardrobe, old ladies’ handbags and even birthing units at maternity hospitals (possibly then using your wife’s uterus as a carwash).

Be warned: BMWs will soon be everywhere in a blatant attempt to trump Audi’s insolence. I would write more, but a BMW has just driven into my office and is about to park one wheel on my keyboard, before the driver spits in my face, claiming it’s my fault.