Branislav Ivanovic has now BECOME Luis Suarez

The city of London has been thrown into turmoil after Chelsea football club arrived for training this morning to find Luis Suarez wearing their strip. However, the ‘Chelsea Suarez’ insisted that he was not in fact a diving racist, but instead the same old Branislav Ivanovic they’d always known and played alongside.

It didn’t take long for DNA testing to prove that he was telling the truth. It seems that the original Liverpool striker’s bite is somehow infectious and produces a chemical which turns anyone bitten by him into exact copies of himself.

Upon learning that Luis Suarez’s bite was toxic, the Government was quick to assemble the ‘COBRA’ committee – David Cameron has already insisted that his cabinet watch both 28 Days Later and Night of the Living Dead in preparation for the inevitable hordes of rampant Suarezs tearing up the capital, biting passers by and turning them into more and more fleash-eating vertically-challenged, pseudo-scouse foreigners.

Upon the news of the outbreak reaching the blue half of Merseyside, Everton supporters instantly agreed with the Government’s ‘zombie-themed’ conclusion and kindly offered to shoot anyone in the head who looked like Luis Suarez, thus destroying what little brains the average premier league footballer has anyway.

As yet, the Government has not sanctioned the use of firearms for dealing with bogus penalty claims. They are still pointing to ‘goal-line technology’ and the use of red cards to combat the spread of Suarez.


Mandy used to be a playful four-year-old from Stevenage