Musings of a Suburbanite

Let it snow (in the north)

2011-12-08T04:24:00.000-08:00

It’s December again, i.e. the nation has now become paranoid about the prospect of snow. And, as I have come to understand it, ‘snow’ can mean up to three different things (depending on who you are).

If you’re sixteen or under, you’re delighted because you get time off school and can throw snowballs at pensioners’ windows just before they freeze to death.
If you’re at work, you’re terrified of losing money or your entire business because you can’t earn any or all your staff are still in bed watching Jeremy Kyle.
And, finally, if you live anywhere north of Birmingham, you’re probably already buried under four foot of the stuff.

I have come to realise that the British Media only appears to operate south of Birmingham – that vast expanse of our nation beyond only comes into its own if Cheryl Cole makes a visit up there. We’re treated to daily warnings of the likelihood of snow, but only if you live in the south. The north is already blanketed in it and generally sick of the ‘hilarious’ comparisons to being ‘Twinned with Narnia.’ We just don’t care. However, should any Tescos Express close its doors in or around London because the staff were snowed in, then we have a crisis (and you don’t have your pint of semi-skimmed).

Apparently the Government already has plans to install a large row of fan heaters stretching across the county keeping the south warm in an attempt to prevent any four-year-old from Reading ever building a snowman again.

When asked to explain why the north didn’t matter, Government spokesman Jeffry Dalmer did his best impression of Captain James T Kirk from Star Trek the Undiscovered Country and snarled, “Let them die!”

Jeremy Clarkson is understood to be already fully backing this motion.

Blame it on the boogie (or Morrissey)

2011-08-09T05:01:00.000-07:00

London’s burning, London’s burning – fetch the engines, fetch the engines!

And so on. Basically, as I type, London’s going up in flames, courteously of some right arseholes. The arseholes blame it on the cops, or one cop to be precise – apparently he shot an ‘innocent’ man. And, by ‘innocent,’ I mean he was carrying a gun and therefore the police shot him. Hmm. Funny that.

Now the police are blaming the rioters. The rioters have switched the blame to the police in general for their over-zealous stop-and-search policy and, anyone who doesn’t blame the police or the rioters, is blaming the politicians – who are all on holiday as its summer and left a bald man in charge.

Personally, I blame The Smiths (and/or Morrissey). Every time I see a news report, or read a newspaper, all I see is puns based on The Smiths’ song ‘Panic.’

Think about it: who has most to gain from the riots? Not Londoners – they’re houses are going up in flames. Not the police – they’re looking about as effective at preventing crime as Stephen Hawkins at bath time. The rioters, maybe. They’re getting the odd free widescreen TV. No, it’s The Smiths who are making the real money.

Every time Panic is played they’ll be getting royalties. And even if Batman was to turn up and quash the riot tonight, think of all the clip shows Panic is going to be used for come the end of the year.

Mr Morrissey, you are officially an evil genius, but, what difference does it maaaaake?

Hitler – not so bright

2010-12-02T03:02:00.000-08:00

It was just as well that Mr Hitler never truly got to grips with British culture – otherwise we wouldn’t have stood a chance back in 1939. Silly old Adolf spent years wasting the lives of German pilots, trying to bomb us into submission.

Why didn’t he just leave us alone for ten months of the year then, when the British Isles got hit by the first light snowfall, send in the troops? They would have been goose-stepping into Trafalgar Square and we would never have known.

I doubt very much if we would have noticed, let alone be able to stop them. Hitler obviously never realised that every British citizen goes into hibernation at the first sign of snow. We’d have just woken up one morning to find swastikas hanging from every lamppost, shook our heads collectively and said something like, “Don’t much like the look of that – we’ll have to do something about that in the Spring.”

One consolation: we could have filmed their Panza tanks on our camera phones as they humorously slid and slipped around on our non-gritted roads… then uploaded the footage to Youtube for everyone else to laugh at fascists falling over.

Sympathy for the Devil (Facebook)

2010-11-15T04:27:00.000-08:00

I keep reading scary reports of people, well, scaring other people on Facebook. Therefore clever, well-meaning people are calling for a ‘Panic’ button to be installed in case a user feels threatened or intimidated while on the site (a good idea in my opinion, even though every time I see it I will be compelled to sing ‘Panic on the streets of Facebook’).

I just thought, while they’re at it, why not install a ‘Sympathy’ button at the same time?

I see so many friends’ statuses reading things like, ‘It’s all going wrong!!!’ (note the multiple exclamation marks for added sorrow). They don’t say what’s wrong, just that their life happens to suck today and they thought they’d share it with you and the hundred or so other people they’ve randomly added in their life.

If you check back on their status in a couple of hours you will always see their more well-meaning friends commenting things like, ‘Aw, what’s wrong, babe?’ or, ‘Don’t let it get you down, mate!’

Basically, the original poster just wanted sympathy. Fair enough. We all need a shoulder to cry on every now and again, or, even better, a hug. But why not be a little more honest about it?

With my proposed ‘Sympathy button’ all you have to do it press it and it will alert all three hundred of your friends that you need sympathy. Then, instead of commenting on your post/button press, there can be a second button marked, ‘Give Sympathy’ for your mates to press. And, hey presto, instant sympathy!

Oh, and by the way, I’m feeling a little bit down today – so if anyone reading this wants to send me all sorts of positive thoughts to my Facebook page, I’d be more than grateful, i.e. I might press ‘Like’ for your comments.

The most conscientious and dedicated serial killer EVER

2010-11-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else seen ‘The Collector?’ It’s a scary movie with the tagline, ‘He always takes one.’

If ever there was a time when you should root for the psychotic maniac, it was now. The guy’s amazing! Okay, so he’s a cold-hearted, evil, sadistic maniac, but holy-hellfire is he good as his job. He spends hours wandering round your house, turning every room into a Tom and Jerry-style trap-fest. Nothing is too much trouble for this guy. He uses string and hooks and knives and springs and more hooks. Wow! He can do it in mere minutes too and in complete silence. The family never sees, hears or has any clue about this nutter until it’s too late and they’re running around into every last one of his fiendish creations. Plus his traps have the added advantage of completely messing with the household’s collective minds. After they luckily escape from the first trap, they just run straight into another one – never once thinking, ‘Hey, maybe we should just like – you know – leave the house, or perhaps call those people who are paid to protect us… no their name escapes me – they just drive around in squad cars with guns and stop burglars, rapists and of course deranged, homicidal serial killers – but, no, we won’t call them… ooh, look at that, another trap – let’s jump right into it!’

I’m being flippant now. Seriously, we need more people like The Collector. No, I’m not saying we need people running around killing families for fun, but this guy definitely has a place in society. Think about it. With his speed and workmanship, he should be able to put together ANY flatpacked shelving unit bought from Ikea.

Need a spice rack? Call The Collector!

Read this – it’s IMPORTANT!

2010-10-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

No, I’m joking. It’s not important. It’s not really important because I haven’t posted it on Twitter. And, even if I did, it would only be one post. However, if I could just get a few hundred people to re-tweet the post, it could well make the 6 o’clock news! Then everyone would know it’s important because of the number of people tweeting it.

That’s how we know something is important, that is.

I think it’s fair to say that, looking back on it, the First and Second World Wars were pretty uneventful in the scale of humanity. After all, how many people tweeted about the Blitz? Go on, you find me a single one! There you go. World Wars with no tweets = unimportant. Whereas should some X-factor contestant be deported based on thousands of reality TV viewers voicing their opinions on it in 140 characters or less = massively important to the nation’s consciousness.

Also, it’s only just been revealed that all those security agents scrambling over JFK’s Cadillac weren’t actually trying to save their dying President. They were actually looking for their iphones to tweet, ‘Damn-it, boss dead. May lose job.’

CGI facial hair

2010-10-04T04:46:00.000-07:00

Leo what’s-his-name is still desperately trying to shake off that ‘kid-look’ he had when he was drowning with my foot on his head at the end of Titanic (or maybe that was just my wishful thinking). He’s grown a beard – possibly because he’s starring opposite Russell ‘monotone’ Brand (or is it Crowe?) in Body of Lies. Anyway, I think he thinks if he looks like the offspring of ZZ Top he’ll be taken more seriously in the War on Terror.

Luckily, he’s on our side (as we’re the good guys – obviously). And a damn fine job he does of it. I watched him walk into one of those scary ‘terrorist cells’ we’re always hearing about on CNN and mercilessly gun down a load of non-English speaking people with funny names.

It just got me thinking. This is Hollywood’s version of the story. I know Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t exactly renown for their epic blockbusters, but part of me would still like to see them have a go at one. Picture it, a gun-totting Arab, blissfully blasting those evil infidels away in that funky ‘bullet-time’ slow motion effect the Matrix pioneered. Would it work? Or would the CIA just close my blog for even daring to suggest it?

God bless America by the way.

Beauty is only skin deep

2010-09-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

I just watched Disney’s Beauty and the Beast (again, but, this time, on the millionth viewing, I actually caught the very opening). The cartoon opens with a voiceover telling how an old woman knocked on the door of a handsome young prince’s castle and asked for a bed for the night. In payment, she offered him a flower. He said no and she turned into a beautiful Enchantress. Then, using her magic, she turned him into a hideous beast for refusing her hospitality.

If you don’t want to know how the film ends then look away now. The Beast meets Belle (‘Beauty’), they fall in love, the spell gets broken and they live happily ever after. And, I, for one, am glad the Beast turns back into a Prince. I hope the first thing he does when he becomes human (besides get Belle alone in his double bed – let’s face it, she is fit) is hire a restless lynch mob, hunt down that old witch and burn her nasty ass at the stake.

I mean, he is a Prince – a Prince who lives in a castle. It’s kind of like me, late one night, knocking on the door of Buckingham Palace and asking Liz if I can crash at hers tonight? Oh, yeah, and how am I going to pay? Well, I picked a daffodil out of the royal flowerbeds, will this be okay for my bed and board?

What do you mean no? Oh, that’s it, you’re being so unreasonable about me disturbing you in the small hours and demanding you put me up even though I’m a complete stranger who may well murder you while you sleep. I’m going to curse you and turn you into a monster. Yeah, have some of that – everyone will hate you and feel sorry for me because you were so ‘rude’ to me.

That Enchantress is severely on my hit list (right behind Jar Jar Binks and every blue tree-hugging, hippie-liberal in Avatar).

Gaining momentum

2010-08-02T04:10:00.000-07:00

Wow! I’m so cool. I know this because I’ve stopped putting petrol in my car like the rest of you losers. I put Tesco’s ‘Momentum’ in my engine. And, the great thing is, it only costs an extra ten pence a litre more than all you sados’ regular petrol.

Because that’s the kind of guy I am – I go around thinking, ‘You know what… petrol isn’t expensive enough. I think it should be dearer, called something trendier and I’d be quite happy to pay extra for the name change.’

Also, my car obviously likes it. I can tell. Before it used to just drive me round. But now… it just drives me round – only with a smugger kind of fume coming out of its exhaust pipe.

Excuse me, I’m now off to the kitchen to boil the kettle and pour myself a nice cup of ‘Excalibur’ in my best china Excalibur cup (the Excalibur bags all cost a pound extra per dozen).

Everyone’s favourite racist anti-Semite…

2010-07-05T05:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, Mel Gibson where did it all go wrong?

You’re rapidly descending into a parody of yourself.

Did you really watch how South Park depicted you and thought to yourself, ‘Hell, yeah! I want to act like that!’

How long before you start trying to hunt down and persecute a couple of ten-year-olds over the sum of ten dollars?

Another Facebook rant…

2010-06-24T03:51:00.000-07:00

First of all let me say that I keep seeing news articles about people blogging less. Why? Because in said news articles the point of the report is to say that there has been a shift in people blogging towards people ‘micro-blogging.’

By this they mean updating their Facebook newsfeed or ‘tweeting’ on Twitter.

I hereby wish to readdress the balance by starting to blog more. Not me. I seriously think I’m the verge of a blogging frenzy. In fact, the whole point of less people reading appeals to me.

Until I joined Facebook, I never realised just how boring the people I know were. I don’t mean my close friends, but those I sort of half knew at school before they moved away after only two terms. Now, years later, I find them on my friends list and I realised just how lucky I was to discard them all that time ago.

Christ, people are boring.

If it’s not bad enough I have stupid friends constantly banging on/supporting England’s dire performance (like Rooney is ever going to actually read their newsfeed), here are some recent examples of what my ‘friends’ are up to:

is so proud of [insert child’s name], she passed her two tests in horse riding exam today. She will receive certificates and badges next week!
Has just seen the queen
Phew (seriously, that’s all she wrote…um, thanks for that – it’s really exactly what I needed to know)
Likes Umbro
i'm sitting outside the van drinking a cup of tea

Right, with that off my chest, I’m off to have a nice glass of juice and a cake (because I know you ALL wanted to know that).

Take THAT Labour Party!

2010-05-04T01:40:00.000-07:00

There was a time when rock stars shocked the world with their blatant acts of rebellion. We have seen the likes of musicians hurling television sets out of windows, taking inhuman amounts of drugs, trashing entire hotel suites and even biting the heads off live animals (we won’t go into what they do with hamsters). Sometimes we can be forgiven for thinking there may be no boundary left for them to cross.

Step up Gary Barlow.

For the slightly pudgy Take That singer has announced that he is voting Conservative in the next general election.

Let’s see Marilyn Manson or the Rolling Stones top that for shock value!

What’s happened to Hugh Grant’s face?

2010-04-25T13:47:00.001-07:00

Just a mild (and slightly bitter) observation about someone allegedly so good-looking, but has both sides of Hugh Grant’s head dropped? It looks like his head is melting and someone has tried to stop this by putting a pin in his forehead just above his nose. The middle part of his face is fine – it’s just the outsides that are going southwards.

The Rise and (eventual) fall of Cheryl 'National Treasure' Cole

2010-04-06T04:07:00.000-07:00

I’m getting sick of Cheryl 'National Treasure' Cole – which is a little unfair as not only do I not know her personally, but I have absolutely nothing against her, her work or general existance. I’m just fed up with looking at her – which is also strange as she’s absolutely gorgeous.

I guess what I’m saying is that every time I look at a magazine, her face is on it. Every time I look at a website, she seems to be smiling back at me. Not to mention that fact that she has obviously been written into almost every TV programme ever made. And that’s not including when I did my Christmas shopping in the high streets and kept bumping into life-size cardboard cut-outs of her promoting her single, album, lower intestines etc.

The poor girl. Part of me feels sorry for her. The media is so massively up her arse right now that when the bubble finally bursts inside her rectum, she’s not going to be able to take it.

On a bizarrely related note, my favourite food is Dominos Texas BBQ pizza. I love it. I could eat it all the time. Well, not all the time. There would come a time when I got sick of it if it was constantly being rammed down my throat night and day. Cheryl 'National Treasure' Cole feels like a particularly fit rogue topping nestling next to my sliced onions.

Oh, and since when did it become law to write the words, 'National Treasure' in between 'Cheryl' and 'Cole?' I must have been left off the email that went round Fleet Street informing everyone who ever writes anything about her to refer to her as such as she obviously is one.

Anyway, where do you have to go to become a national treasure? What are the minimum requirements?

Discuss...

City of God

2010-03-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve just watched it. Now, should I recommend it? I loved it, but those three words normally mean that absolutely no one I know, or will ever know, is likely to agree with me.

If you’re contemplating watching it, here are some reasons why you probably will NOT agree with my conclusion that it was actually pretty damn good…
There is not a single gay cowboy contained in the entire two hours
It has subtitles and – shock horror – they’re not in English!
Lil Ze wasn't evil enough – they should have had the Joker take his part
The gangsters were terrible shots, they should have had army training
There are absolutely no visible signs of product placement in it. If you dare to watch it, you may not feel the urge to purchase a single low carb snack from a popular high street retailer within thirty seconds of the credits rolling
There are no action figures or video games about it. Once you turn it off, that is it – you cannot relive the experience with a Wii
There are no A-list Hollywood actors shaving their heads and playing a semi retarded character in the hope of snatching an Academy Award
It should be pointed out before you watch it that God is not in this movie at all (no, not even a cameo) therefore the title is severely misleading and you may be tempted to sue
There are no CGI monsters
The trailer should tip you off that you will hate this film as it does not contain the minimum three exploding helicopters and/or slow motion dive shooting
And, finally, there's no cash-in sequel, people aren't wearing enough hats and the dogs are too skinny to be believable

You have been warned

How to PROPERLY watch a movie in the cinema

2010-03-01T04:30:00.000-08:00

While much of today’s cinema can hardly be described as astoundingly groundbreaking or intellectual entertainment, it still puzzles me how, when in a cinema, some people still find it hard to ‘lose themselves’ while watching some good old-fashioned ‘popcorn’ flicks. It seems to be a skill that, surprisingly, MOST moviegoers do not have. Here are some ground rules that needs to be observed:

RULE 1: You only have ONE (1) chance to FULLY experience everything a movie has to offer. After that, you'll no longer be surprised, thrilled, astounded, dumbfounded, aghast with mystery or excitement about it since you've already seen it. Henceforth, your brain already has vague recollections of it. In the name of all that is holy, DO NOT RUIN THAT ONE CHANCE.

RULE 2: If someone scolds or chides you, simply offer your apology and DO NOT REACT AGGRESSIVELY. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. In all my years of watching movies, some people unbelievably still have the nerve to be angry after being told to stop talking with their phones.

RULE 3: Turn off your mobile phone. Otherwise, put it on silent mode. We don't care about your fancy ring tone or your Mummy calling you because you snuck out

RULE 4: While I have nothing against babies, please do not bring them to the cinema. There's nothing more annoying than a baby crying right in the middle of a fight scene or a serial killer chase.

RULE 5: Again, I have nothing against autistic and special children. But for the love of God, please, please, please, do us all a favour and DO NOT bring them to the cinema, IF they have aggressive or wild tendencies. NOTE: I know it may seem mean, or otherwise, inhuman of me to deny babies and special children the privilege of watching movies. If so, I'm humbly sorry. But that's just the way it should be.

RULE 6: STOP TALKING. In fact, DON'T TALK, at all, unless someone's dying. If you have to talk, try doing so with the least amount of disturbance.

RULE 7: DO NOT EXPLAIN or even DISCUSS THE MOVIE D-U-R-I-N-G the movie. Because, people usually do that during drinking sessions, sleepovers, after sex, picnics or over the internet. I don't care if you already knew who the killer was or that Optimus Prime is your favourite character. You can tell me everything AFTER THE MOVIE.

RULE 8: If you're going to read a text message, or otherwise, check the time through your phone, PLEASE DO SO WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF DISTURBANCE. DO NOT RAISE YOUR PHONE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. I don't care if your other half sent you hugs and kisses or if your Dad just told you he'd just recently deposited your yearly allowance. Imagine a scene where our heroine goes into a dark room - hence, making the entire cinema dark - AND THEN A BRIGHTLY-LIT CELLPHONE FLASHES RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!

RULE 9: DO NOT exaggerate your laughter. Please. Do this, only if you're watching one of the "[Blank] Movie" Franchises (i.e. Date Movie, Superhero Movie) or the "Rip-Offs" Franchises (i.e. Meet the Spartans)

RULE 10: DO NOT PREEMPT THE MOVIE. If you know what the character is going to say, don't yell it out loud or even say it! I don't care if you're trying to look cool in front of your date. If she knows better, she'd dump you right then and there.

RULE 11: If you're going to answer a call, PLEASE GO OUT. It's not like you can't come back in, correct? It's that simple!

RULE 12: If you're watching a movie with friends, please try to minimize the noise. I know what it's like to hang out with a lot of teenagers (because I used to be one). DO NOT TRY TO GRAB PEOPLE'S ATTENTION. SERIOUSLY, IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK COOL.

RULE 13: If you're too stubborn, or too "cool", to even follow these rules, then at least try going to the cinema when there are the least number of possible audience members. Better yet, stick to DVDs and Blu-Rays. Do us all a favour, please.

RULE 14: TO PARENTS - SHUT YOUR KID UP. Don't make others do it.

RULE 15: You are at the cinema to watch a film. If you prefer to play football or rugby then please find a local amenity where you can do just that, i.e. stop kicking the back of my seat like it’s a ball on the penalty spot!

Is This Racist?

2010-02-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

Or rather, is ‘Muslim Driving School’ (currently showing at 10pm Tuesdays on BBC2). Okay, so I haven’t watched it yet, which puts me firmly into the ‘I know very little about this, but I’m going to act like I’m an expert bracket’ (kind of like what much of the media did about a certain Brass Eye episode). For me it just brings up some questions, or rather one question to be precise, namely:

Do Muslims drive differently to other groups in society?

I learned to drive sixteen years ago. Since that time I’m pretty certain I’ve shared the road with Muslims from time to time. Yet, never have I thought to myself, ‘Ah-ha – just by looking at that car, I can instantly tell it’s being driven by a Muslim!’ To me the whole premise merely goes to propagate the myth that minority groups should be treated differently.

And why a driving school? What were the producers doing to come up with this idea? Were they sitting around a bar in Soho drinking overprice cocktails with two hats on the table. One containing pieces of paper with, ‘Jews, Homosexuals, Mormons, Catholics’ and so on. In the other hat a bit of paper with, ‘bricklayer, soldiers, traffic warden,’ etc. Then they just picked two out and, hey presto, they had a brand new programme!

Maybe after Muslim Driving School has finished they can do a sequel, ‘Pagan Driving School,’ then the year after, ‘Hindu Driving School,’ followed by, ‘Buddhist Driving School,’ until every single minority group has been covered. That way we could see just how every different section of society drives in minute detail. Then the world will be a better and more enlightened place.

I guess it's not racist, just stupid. If you want to see real racism, just goto the IMDB's message board for Disney's The Princess and the Frog

Should Tony Blair go to Hollywood?

2010-02-02T05:29:00.000-08:00

And, if so, what starring role should he take?

It’s just a thought, but, seeing as they’re rebooting the Friday 13th franchise, what about Tony as Jason Voorhees? Let’s face it, they tried bludgeoning Jason to death, hanging him, drowning him, electrocuting him and psychically blasting him then sending him to hell. Yet here he is, back again and hot on the trail of a load of pointless, annoying American teens.

I reckon Tony could play that part. No matter what gets thrown at him he just keeps on going. Currently we have one of his ex ministers, Claire Short, happily stabbing him in the front on national TV over his handling of the invasion of Iraq. Will it do any good? Did firing paintballs have any effect on Jason? Luckily for Tony, as Claire desperately hacks away at his front, he came to work today wearing his Marks & Spencers stabproof vest (which is also very cosy in winter).

I’m guessing Hollywood will have a crack at remaking the original Terminator films while they’re at it. Perhaps Tony could re-enact that scene from T2 where the T-1000 gets blown up in an explosion in a truck, then happily walks out unscathed and reforms.

At least I’m kind of learning why Hollywood casts so many Brits at villains. Tony set the template for them. Where’s Bruce Willis to punch him off the top of a skyscraper just before the credits role?

(Serious) Facebooking

2010-01-18T01:59:00.000-08:00

All hail Facebook, for, in Christmas 2009, a group was set up by Mr and Mrs – Oh, I’ve forgotten their name (it doesn’t matter anyway) – anyway, they were so fed up of the X-Factor’s domination of the Christmas Number One slot, that they lobbied the country to buy some shit Rage Against the Machine song (as opposed to the shit ballad Simon Cowell was trotting out as ‘music’). It worked and Simon Cowell was suitable annoyed.

Now, today, about a month later, I get invitations to join this Facebook group and that Facebook group. However, these ones are slightly more serious that who gets to number one at Christmas time. There’s everything from ‘Stop the War in Iraq’ to ‘I Won’t Pay my Council Tax Until They Grit my Road’ (tempting, but I don’t want to go to prison).

I just wonder if a Facebook group will ever be taken that seriously. Sure, the causes are just, but I can’t see me clicking ‘JOIN’ on Facebook sending that many shockwaves into Downing Street to spur Gordon Brown into action and pulling all our troops out of the Gulf.

It’s worth noting I only join the really important Facebook groups like, ‘When Zombies Invade.’

Tiz the season for generic well-wishes.

2010-01-02T05:45:00.000-08:00

I used to say that I hated Christmas cards. Or at least I used to. Actually, I still do – I think they’re a total waste of money and paper. Yet, nowadays, I have to admit there’s something slightly warmer about the ‘Best Wishes for the Season’ message they contain, followed by a distant friend’s tired signature and that of their children who I’d forgotten the names of.

You see, many of my friends wished me a happy Christmas, many even contacted me again on or around January 1st 2010 – all saying how they hoped I was doing well blah, blah, blah. Only they didn’t. They simply wrote one single text message then sent it to basically their entire address book. It’s always nice when a male friend puts little kisses at the end of his message of festive cheer to me. I’m so honoured – almost as much as when people write “Happy Christmas to all my Facebook friends!” on their newsfeed.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…(no, seriously - let is snow - I don't care!)

2009-12-17T14:13:00.000-08:00

It’s snowing outside and – shock horror – I don’t care. Sometimes I think I must be the only person in Britain who’s world doesn’t come crashing to a standstill at the sight of white frozen water, floating in the air and settling lightly on the ground.

It hasn’t even set properly and the news is already warning that the roads haven’t been gritted. Um, it is December, isn’t it? Isn’t that – like – Winter, i.e. the time when we expect the cold weather? Obviously not.

Come tomorrow morning no one will be able to get into work, school or anywhere else that isn’t six inches outside the confines of their snuggly warm duvet…apart from me that is. I’ve been out there. I drove out in the snow of February 2009. Okay, I didn’t speed, but I got where I needed to be. The only problems I encountered were idiot motorists who kept stopping to leave their cars on the side of the roads. Once I’d circumnavigated my way around them, I was well on my way.

Last Summer Hollywood released its latest ‘epic disaster movie’ 2012. It was about earthquakes and floods and that. I’m waiting for Britain to cash in on the idea. We won’t have meteor showers, undead uprisings or flesh-eating viruses. No, our epic disaster movie will merely be called ‘Snow’ *cue the thunderous scary music to accompany such a nightmarish scenario*. We can watch thousands of Brits panicking all across the land because they can’t get to an office they don’t really want to in the first place. At worst, someone won’t get their free newspaper. I can hardly wait. I’ll watch it from the confines of my office – safe in the knowledge that I’m the only bugger not affected by hellish snow.

How to make ‘one expression’ into a career, by Shia LaBeouf

2009-12-02T03:08:00.000-08:00

How do you work with Shia LaBeouf? What does the film’s director say to him to motivate him for his captivating roles?

“Hey, Shia, robots are trying to take over the world and Will Smith needs your help!”

*Shia LaBeouf looks slightly startled*

“Hey, Shia, Keanu Reeves needs your help fighting demons!”

*Shia LaBeouf looks slightly startled*

“Hey, Shia, your mom’s been captured by a serial killer and you have to save her!”

*Shia LaBeouf looks slightly startled*

“Hey, Shia, giant robots are creating havoc all over the world and Indiana Jones is hob-knobbing with aliens!”

*Shia LaBeouf looks slightly startled*

I hate that bloke. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen goes on for two and a half hours. I found I could watch it in just under sixty minutes by fast-forwarding every time Shia LaBeouf came on screen and looked slightly startled.

Oh, and a Care Bear puts up more of a fight that ‘The Fallen’ (but you probably have to watch Transformers 2 to get that).

The Generation Gap/Women

2009-11-25T01:42:00.001-08:00

I am reminded why I should never watch a film with my Mum ever again. While watching the 2009 reboot of Star Trek with her, during the climactic battle sequence where the fate of the Federation was hanging in the balance, she commented, “I think I used to have boots like hers.” I believe she was more interested in the female Star Fleet officers’ footwear than whether Kirk and Spock could banish Nero forever.

This reminds me of when I was living at home and she watched the final episode of Twin Peaks with me. As Cooper’s soul was being torn apart in the Black Lodge, she remarked, “I like those curtains.”

Is this women, or old people? Either way, I want them banished to the Badlands when I’m trying to watch a film.

Shameless

2009-11-02T02:25:00.000-08:00

Butlins. What do you think of it? Have you been there? If so, did you feel that you were holidaying with the entire cast of Shameless? Where I come from, it appears mandatory to have a tattoo. I don’t, but I don’t hold it against anyone who has. At least in the Home Counties, you only need the one band of Celtic nonsense scrawled around your arm.

In Butlins, you need the entire Celtic dictionary inked across your forehead. Failing this, please feel free to dislocate your back due to hanging the entire contents of H. Samuel around your neck and try to win a badly-made Dora the Explorer toy from one of those ‘grabby-claw’ arcade machines.

I got my photo taken with Bugs Bunny and Tweety Pie. Or at least my daughter believes we did. Luckily she’s not old enough to read this yet so I can happily write that they weren’t the real Bugs and Tweetie. They were men in suits. I wonder how much jewelry and tattoos those cuddly costumes were covering up?

I really want a tattoo now. How's that for peer pressure?

Addicted to Friends

2009-10-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

I think it was Robert Palmer who sang something about being ‘addicted to love’. Translated into today’s society that could be interpreted as being hooked on the desire to prove you have friends. Never mind heroine, alcohol or even fags – I have found I can’t get enough to adding people as friends to my Facebook account.

I don’t think I’ve denied a request yet – more fool me. It’s bad enough that every day I have to scroll through, ‘Mafia Wars, Virtual Farm’ and ‘Which Twilight Character Are You.’ I also feel the need to scrutinise people’s updates who I’ve only met once at a party (and probably hated back then too).

I know, I could just ‘hide’ the offending people, but it’s like a car crash – I can’t bring myself not to know. One girl – who shall remain nameless – is taking up my entire freakin' newsfeed with gibberish. This woman has 'multiple personality disorder' written all over her. She is like the Borg from Star Trek. She appears to have collectively assimilated everyone in the world's personality and writes one status update per persona.

Tomorrow I’m going to church. Why? To pray for the strength to ‘hide’ souless tripe she spews. Sadly, I know I won’t. For I have helplessly trapped myself into an unquenchable thirst for seeing what vital snippet of information concerning her hourly mood swings she will bestow on me next.

God help us if she ever gets on Twitter.

I will stop writing now. I must go and refresh my Facebook home page.

Lies and Adverts

2009-10-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

I read my toothpaste the other day. Possibly a sign in itself of the level of excitement in my life. It said, ‘40% Fresher Breath’. Why do we accept such lies at face value? Okay, if the makers of ‘Theramed 2in1’ ever get round to reading this (or their lawyers), I’m not doubting their integrity for a moment. I’m simply asking for some sort of evidence to support how they measure the smell of people’s breath and, if they do, how can they tell whether it’s 40% fresher now?

Facebook to solve all the world's problems

2009-10-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

What is the worst thing someone has ever said to you? Did it reduce you to tears? Did it make you want to mow down people with a machine gun? Did you have to get drunk to drown out the pain? Or did you just frown at your computer screen and try and pinpoint exactly why the person you used to be best mates with at school has denied your Facebook friend request?

I have two school friends whose requests are currently ‘pending.’ I check back every day in case they’ve accepted. I’ve given up on the other two. I was good friends with these guys. They even both came on my stag weekend to Amsterdam. I’ve added one of them twice and he rejected me both times. I know he has because I see him write on mutual friends’ walls. Scum.

I sometimes wonder whether International Politics should be conducted through Facebook. There’s a big thing going on about dubious regimes throughout the world getting their hands on nuclear weapons. The UN are doing the usual things. They send ambassadors, impose sanctions, threaten war and all the rest of it. Why doesn’t the US and the UK get together and systematically delete every Iranian and South Korean’s profile from their Facebook account? Surely that would bring even the most hard-line regime to its knees?

Jeff Daniels and other animals

2009-09-23T01:35:00.000-07:00

Facebook is great. I don’t care what the comedians say about it. You can keep track of everyone you’ve ever met without actually having to speak to them. Okay, so the Internet has always brought people together, but before Facebook (or FB to sound even cooler) you had to go to all that trouble of emailing them and ask them what the weather was like in which ever country they’ve buggered off to. All hail FB. Now all you have to do is add them as a friend and leave it at that – instant contact (if you can be bothered – which I can’t).

I mainly use FB to laugh at people. Or I did. Someone I used to hang out with quite a lot just posted a load of his photos up on the site and I came across them in my newsfeed. I hadn’t seen the guy since I saw the back of his head when I came round to his shared house a couple of years ago to borrow a DVD of his housemate. But I saw him now. In fact, he was pretty hard to miss. He had gained a few pounds (I’m being polite on account of him being a friend), plus his hair was rapidly crawling up his face. Like I say, I laughed.

Then I stopped laughing and thought for a moment. I post photos of me up there sometime. I have over a hundred and fifty FB friends. How many of them who haven’t seen me in ages are now looking at pictures of me and thinking much along the same lines. In fact, I really don’t want to know the answer to that. I’m happy deluding myself that I still look eighteen and that all my trousers are just shrinking.

And, while we’re on the subject of age, what the hell has happened to Jeff Daniels? Okay, so he’s hardly Hollywood A-List and his most memorable films were Speed and Dumb and Dumber (both in 1994 I believe). Anyway, I watched him last night in State of Play. He looked even older than my mate (which he should be), but he’s a damn sight richer. If Catherine Beta Zeta Jones Shamrock Douglas can get plastic surgery before she turns twenty-five then why can’t he? Don’t Hollywooders know they have a duty to look better than us?

Aqua-humps

2009-09-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

What can be said about speedbumps that hasn’t already been said? Probably nothing. We all hate them. Have you ever met something who thinks they’re a good idea? It’s the same with speed camera. The three and a half people who actually like them are kept in sealed crates that are only ever jemmied open when you see a report on Newsroom Southeast on the number of fatalities they’ve supposedly cut. Anyway, I digress. Speedbumps are equally as bad, but, just when you thought you could get away from them, in my case taking my daughter to the local fun pool, they’re back again.

Lets look at the word ‘rapid’ in more depth. According to dictionary.com this is what it means:

-adjective
1. occurring within a short time; happening speedily: rapid growth.
2. moving or acting with great speed; swift: a rapid worker.
3. characterized by speed: rapid motion.

Do you get them impression ‘rapid’ has something to do with moving fast? Well, so did I. Until of course I went to Aquasplash at Jarman Park. Someone has kindly installed speedbumps in the rapids. Why, I shall never know. Out of sheer exasperation I asked the lifeguard. Or at least the twelve-year-old in the red T-shirt who was supposedly fully qualified in mouth-to-mouth should a toddler ingest a lungful of chlorine. Personally I’d have rather drowned in front of the Burger King eating Mums than be given mouth-to-mouth by one of them. I don’t want cold sores thank you very much. Suffice to say he didn’t know why speedbumps had been put in, but then he was texting his mate at the time and I was speaking English (always a drawback when addressing those taking their GCSEs).

I now have bruises on both my feet. I don’t know whether the exact term for strategically placed humps in a swimming pool is ‘speedbumps’ or not. Perhaps ‘booby-traps’ would be more applicable? Regardless of how many times I waded my way through wet tattoo-sporting paperboys, I could never remember when one was coming up. They hurt. I wonder if my car feels the pain every time I drive over one?