Guardian readers have simply given up on YOU

With yesterday’s glowing result for UKIP, sensible, peace-loving liberals all over Britain have officially given up on trying to save the likes of all you who voted for Nigel Farage’s ‘raving loonie party.’

Nearly all fifty Guardian readers have woken up this morning to a bleak country where, despite them reading a publication which promises that just because you read it, it makes you really nice, they’ve come to the realisation that everyone who doesn’t share their views is really a horrible, despicable racist and therefore not worth the effort of trying to save.

Even though a rare pact was formed between the Guardian and the traditional ‘nasty party’ (aka The Evil, Posh, Rich, Poor- exploiting, Foreigner-hating Conservatives), both of which used all the power afforded to them to brand UKIP the REAL Evil, Posh, Rich, Poor- exploiting, Foreigner-hating Party, it didn’t seem to work.

Guardian reader, Phillipa Resoettra, was quoted as saying, ‘I used to believe that people were inherently decent at heart and only voted Conservative because they were confused and hadn’t heard how the Tories were responsible for everything bad. Now I realise that they meant it, even though they didn’t vote Tory and chose ‘Tory Max’ instead. Perhaps I need to drive around in my hybrid until people truly understand that I’m right and they’re not.’

The Guardian’s dozen or so readers formed an emergency meeting in a family-run, eco-friendly coffee shop this morning (one that pays its staff 50p more than the minimum wage). There, they discussed if anything could be done to reverse the trend and make people think like them. Sadly, nothing appeared forthcoming and they finally came to the conclusion that posting photoshopped pictures on Facebook, informing fellow Guardian readers not to eat tuna because it might hurt a tree, was no longer enough.

Asked to comment on the meeting’s outcome, Guardian reader, Shaun O’Donnell, was quoted as saying, ‘If this was Star Wars then Britain has definitely gone to the Dark Side. Nigel Farage might as well be the Emperor. I’ll bet he has a purple and yellow light sabre in his breast pocket.’

The remaining Guardian readers in Britain were last seen renting a solar-powered boat and plotting a course for a less fascist country. Their apparent destination: Saudi Arabia.


'And your friends on the Liberal moon of Endor will not survive.'