The most conscientious and dedicated serial killer EVER

Has anyone else seen ‘The Collector?’ It’s a scary movie with the tagline, ‘He always takes one.’

If ever there was a time when you should root for the psychotic maniac, it was now. The guy’s amazing! Okay, so he’s a cold-hearted, evil, sadistic maniac, but holy-hellfire is he good as his job. He spends hours wandering round your house, turning every room into a Tom and Jerry-style trap-fest. Nothing is too much trouble for this guy. He uses string and hooks and knives and springs and more hooks. Wow! He can do it in mere minutes too and in complete silence. The family never sees, hears or has any clue about this nutter until it’s too late and they’re running around into every last one of his fiendish creations. Plus his traps have the added advantage of completely messing with the household’s collective minds. After they luckily escape from the first trap, they just run straight into another one – never once thinking, ‘Hey, maybe we should just like – you know – leave the house, or perhaps call those people who are paid to protect us… no their name escapes me – they just drive around in squad cars with guns and stop burglars, rapists and of course deranged, homicidal serial killers – but, no, we won’t call them… ooh, look at that, another trap – let’s jump right into it!’

I’m being flippant now. Seriously, we need more people like The Collector. No, I’m not saying we need people running around killing families for fun, but this guy definitely has a place in society. Think about it. With his speed and workmanship, he should be able to put together ANY flatpacked shelving unit bought from Ikea.

Need a spice rack? Call The Collector!